Church of the Union Address

Good Morning Fellow Americans!

Last night I was witness to the State of the Union Address by our President. Having been subjected to the psychological scarring of going to Catholic School until the 5th grade, I'm quite familiar with the rituals of Church; you sit, stand, kneel, sit, pray, kneel, stand, eat a wafer, drink some grape juice, stand, kneel, sit, etc. It's sort of the calisthenics for the big delusion in the sky!

Last night's speech reminded me a lot of church in that there was talk about good & evil, answers to the world's problems, some generic truths, and of course let us not forget; lot's of bullshit....

In a nutshell, this is what the President talked about (Bush paraphrased by yours truly):

I. National Security

• Who cares that we entered Iraq with inaccurate information, ulterior motives, and without much global support; we need to just suck it up and support the troops who are risking their lives to establish our democratic colony in Iraq; there's no use crying over my old hasty decisions, let's move forward with unity!
• Hey Iran, don't use efficient power sources such as Nuclear power or we're going to blow your ass away after we're done with Iraq! Try me bitches!
• I've taken my executive powers and established the Terrorist Telephone Watch; we will monitor any US international phone calls that are to suspected Al Queda members or associates. So all you ARABS, don't phone home!
• I'm encouraging congress to extend the Patriot Act; pretty please?

II. Taxes/Economy/Energy

• I will save yall money by continuing tax cuts, eliminating 140 programs that aren't working (how many did Bush create?), increase grants/funding for alternative energy research by 22%, as well as paying for the war in Iraq (and soon to be, Iran). I'll do all this and cut the deficit in half by 2009; and if you buy now, I've got some prime vacation land out in Death Valley that I'd like to sell you too!
• I'm also going to increase education monies for science & mathematics; we want creativity in the form of technological innovation... fuck education in art, philosophy, and anything that does not contribute to the GNP; I mean, that ethical & emotional crap is what religion is for, right?
• We want more research in alternative fuels & technology such as solar, wind, and nuclear (Iran can't git nun?), so that we replace 75% of our oil imports by 2025. (While we're at it, why come we don't dig up some of that good ole oil up in Alaska, I mean, it's just a stupid environmental preserve? Hey, wait a minute, that wouldn't count as "imported" oil would it?)

III. Healthcare

• I'm going to pressure insurance companies to compete, as well as promote Health Savings Plans that you can take with you from low-paying job to low-paying job.
• I believe in all life as having an equal right to liberty and living (sure....yea...), I believe every life is special and should be protected (uh huh....where are we going here?).....So I'm asking congress to ban ALL cloning and embryonic research in all forms (ahh, there it is! Fucker...)
• I am re-instated the Ryan White Act to end the medication wait for AIDS patients (more money to pharmaceutical companies? see "economy" spending section above...do the math... cut the deficit in half by 2009? Was accounting required at Yale?)

Now, it is only fair that I evaluate the Democratic Response that followed the President's sermon....

Tim Kane gave the democrats' response (a democrat who was elected senator in the highly republican state of Virginia. How you ask? Oh, he ran on the platform that he was a minister and believed in family values and God. DAMN! So that's how you convince a bunch of gun-toting, redneck, born-again Christian morons that you're on their side!)

Transcripts from Don's Living Room:

Tim Kane: "There's a better way..."

Don: "Oh yea?"

Tim Kane: "There is a better way..."

Don: "Uh huh...."

Tim Kane: "There's a better way...."

Don: "Hit me with it Timmy!"

Tim Kane: "There is absolutely a better way..."

Don: "What is it man?! What is the better way?!"

Tim Kane: "As politicians, we need to be service-oriented, be accountable for our results, and continue to light the way of liberty!"

Don: "You're a fucking moron...."

So, in a nutshell, that's what happened.

If you saw the Church of the Union Address, what are your thoughts on the sermons?

If you didn't see it, you're a shitty American, but share your thoughts anyway!

Do it!