The Cubicle Chronicles: The Ultimate Sport!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The Ultimate Sport!

Good Morning Ladies, Gents, and degenerates!

Last night I had an epiphany, and "no" it wasn't that I realized that all of the local Tampa Bay newscasters are morons who struggled to create sensationalized 24-hour coverage about "Wilma's wrath" and the donning of Florida as a "Disaster Area!" No....this was something a little less obvious....

I have discovered the existence of the ultimate sport!! As self-appointed "Sports Authority", I will share my reasoning with you, and then you may argue, agree, and/or practice your reasoning skills in the comments section.

Ladies, gents and degenerates, the Ultimate Sport is....none other than our northern past-time of: HOCKEY!

Let's see what Hockey is all "aboot"...

A Hockey player requires very high cardio-vascular endurance for skating three 20 minute periods, because unlike American Football, there are no little breaks where guys pat each other on the ass and gossip in a little circle.
A Hockey player requires very high abilities of balance and agility to maneuver not only him/herself, but to do it upon ice skates while wielding a Hockey stick in efforts to control a hard rubber puck, because unlike many other sports played on normal surface conditions, hockey is played upon the slippery, rock-like surface of ice (with the exception of Curling, Ice Skating, Bobsledding, etc.)
A Hockey player requires a high level of full-body muscular strength to both accompany maneuverability and to take the beatings against the ice, boards, and other players, because unlike other team sports like Basketball and Football (the only real Football) physical strength is not equally important amongst all muscle groups.
FIGHTING! A Hockey player gets to beat the shit out of other Hockey players! Come on, how many pansy little smack talk sessions can you take? In Hockey, you may settle things with the gloves off! That in itself is sweet! The only other sports you're allowed to do this in are in the martial arts and boxing, and even then, you're not on ice skates!
A Hockey player uses instruments without sacrificing physical demands. They use Hockey skates to maneuver on the ice and a Hockey stick to manipulate the puck, this requires physical exertion, technique and skill development. As opposed to other uses of tools in Polo, Baseball, Cricket and Nascar where the physical demands go down while technique goes up.
There are no naturally occuring physical advantages. It just requires an overall capacity of physical ability enhanced by years of training the cardio-vascular, strength, and skill development of the athlete. In Basketball and Horse Racing height is a naturally occuring factor and may eliminate certain athletes from fairly competing.
Hockey is a true "team sport". When a Hockey player is penalized for being bad, he not only is penalized, but his team is penalized as well for the 2 minutes when he is not allowed to play. This is opposed to a foul in Basketball, where the individual, not the team, is penalized while the other team is rewarded free throws.

I'm pretty sure I could think of more reasons to support why HOCKEY is the ultimate sport, but these are a start.

I challenge you all to find a sport that is overall more demanding than Hockey and give your reasoning here in this forum!

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE ULTIMATE SPORT?

24 Comments:

Moose here...

Oh Don... poor soul. Man who knows nothing abouut sport but yet has pondered many hours over this query.

Hockey is tough and demanding, but who cares? No one watches hockey (okay a few canadian/americans do) so does it really matter if no one notices.

As far as physically demanding, I would put hockey in there with basketball, which is behind American Football in terms of the beating one takes. But then again, your query is "What is the ultimate sport".

To answer that, i ask you Head Chimp to define sport.

Now I'm rambling, back to my soda and surfing.

By Anonymous, at 10:01 AM
Yes, Hockey is the ultimate sport second is lacrosee. having played organized sports Footbal, Hockey, Baseball, Lacrosse, and Soccer. Lacrosse and Hockey are definitly the most physically demanding. Line changes in hockey allow players to rest, some players play longer shifts(I'll use the Redwings which is the greatest Hockey team in the world) like Pavel Daschyk. Other players like Steve Yzerman only bust 3 minute shifts for a total of about 15 to 20 minutes a game but come on he is 40 years old. Hockey is the best sport on earth by far and away! Don finally you have seen the light. If you start rooting for the lightning I'm going to take your Detroit Card away and you will nie be allowed back into the city.

By Anonymous, at 10:30 AM
Moose & Terry Juice

Mr. Moose, so a sport is only as good as the number of morons who watch it? Also, just because someone played sports in high school and now watches them on a bar stool or their Lazy Boy, doesn't mean they are athletic or know much about sports...

Basketball: yes cardio demands and great skill development, yet lack of total body strength development, ice, instrument manipulation (besides the ball), real fighting, and a height advantage make it inferior.

American "Football": A sport that is named "football" should have more than one player who actually kicks the ball. One play at a time....that's all football is. Lack of cardio endurance, as well as a stupid name make football inferior.

Terry, you know for shizzle I'm about the Wings (#1 at 9-1) rather than those posers the "Lightening" (4-3 HA!) who act like they deserved to hold the cup for 2 years when they only earned it for one.

By Don the "Head Chimp", at 10:46 AM
Moose again,

To quote John Goodman in the big Lebowski "You're out of your element Donny"

We never did, and still officially haven't defined "sport" so to have a conversation about what segment of grouping "x" is the ultimate, the first step would be to define what is inclusive to grouping "x".

Do we include competitions like discovery racing, marathon running, NASCAR, etc ?

Obviously you've never played 4 quarters of football before, or you would see that a great deal of cardio is neccessary to play the game effectively. And last i checked, the career span of a football player is much shorter than that of (what I'm guessing) a hockey player's average career is. Sure, you can punch someone in hockey, but no one in hockey get's hit by two 275 pound ripped out men in their prime running full speed. This argument is turning more towards what is the most physically demanding AND punishing/destructive to the body.

Is boxing a sport? Could be in there too. Is Discovery Racing a Sport? Sure is demanding if not destructive. Then there is Rugby... etc, on and on infinity...

Moot topic.

Next!
:-)

By Anonymous, at 11:06 AM
I'm going to have to agree with the moose here, in the fact that sport needs to be defined:

-Nascar and Discovery Racing are
really more events
-Bowling, Golf, and Curling are
activities
-Sports would include any activity where there is a Win/Loose outcome and that both teams or individuals ability to offend and defend directly affects the outcome
-Hockey
-Lacrosse
-Soccer
-Boxing
-Baseball
-Basketball
-Rugby
-Volleyball
-Racketball
-Tennis
-Football (aussie, american,
Canadian, etc)

To defend hockey once more there are a grip of guys that are huge and in their prime. Example: Jari Fischer (Redwings defensemen) 6'5" 280Lbs. Sounds pretty big, now think about this, huge chech coming at you at 20Mph(guess but it's got to be faster than running) on skates which have raised him off the ground to 6'8" and there is no soft ground behind you, there is a lucite and plywood board for you to be the sandwich meat.

By Anonymous, at 11:45 AM
If you want definitions and parameters, here you go...

For those crying that they need further definition; courtesy of dictionary.com...

SPORT: An activity involving physical exertion and skill that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often undertaken competitively.

We have been addressing the degree and type of physical exertion, skill, and also indirectly incorporating the nature of the the sport (individual vs. team, or perhaps both etc.). I would even argue the type of physical challenge, skill and exertion should be a compensable factor (i.e. on ice, instrument manipulation, etc.)

Sport being defined, now it shall be easier to address the actual topic through addressing the defined components and their variable worth.

The Sport:
-Type of game environment (concrete, grass, ice, etc.)
- Type of competition (team/individual)
- Manipulation of instruments and the motor functioning and skill required to do so effectively (hockey stick, racket, etc.)
- Rules or regulations impacting previous.

The Players:
- Level of cardio-vascular exertion (intensity & endurance)
- Level of strength conditioning (total body vs specialized regions, degree of strength, etc.)
- Level of coordination, agility, and maneuverability (how much and in what way are each utilized)
- Naturally physical advantages of height or weight (in that the naturally, non-trained/developed existence of physical characteristic would advantage certain sub-populations, etc.)
- Level of physical abuse (from instruments, other players, game environment, etc.)

Go forth and find me a sport that better addresses all of these aspects of sport than that of Hockey...

Might I add that I analyze jobs and their incumbents for a living?

By Don the "Head Chimp", at 11:47 AM
Don,
While your points would have had some validity in the past the fact is hockey players are growing in weight and musculature every year, why? Because it gives them an advantage when they skate up behind some guy and "pound him into the boards" (I'd rather be patted on the ass). Their have been scientific studies to see who are among the fittest athletes in professional sports and it always ends up being football players. Besides my previous two points hockey has periods, and no one likes those.

By Anonymous, at 2:26 PM
When did hockey add a 4th period? And I thought that "Goalie can't play the puck behind the goal" rule was extra lame. Did you know they freeze the pucks so they don't bounce? Everytime there is a stop in play a new frozen puck is used. It's got to hurt to take one of those in the face.

By Anonymous, at 2:38 PM
I have been saying that for years. It's great. And, I am a chick. The fighting is great when Shannie is there...it used to be McCarty (for the Wings anyway), but that ship has sailed. Datsyuk, Zetterburg -- awesome together. Draper is one fast M.F. The games are faster now -- they've significantly cut down on face-offs, so more skating pleasure.
On that note, may I suggest Cheli's Chili for a spot to watch the game? Delicious and savory food, mixed with plasma televisions and an atmosphere of sweaty drunk men (and myself)screaming obscenities. Positively Delightful.
"I'm in it to win it like Yzerman, can drink about 15 Heinekins" -- Kid Rock. (Had to)

By Anonymous, at 2:54 PM
Development is not a "naturally occuring physical advantage"...

Sure, some people have a better genetic makeup for building muscle more than others (i.e. Governor Arnold), and some people have a better innate ability at certain activities (i.e. usually the prodigies)....however, they still have to work to develop them.

Do Basketball players have to hang upside down by their feet to grow taller? No they do not. Therefore, height is a naturally occuring advantage in the sport of Basketball that is not a skill or a trainable ability.

Do Jockeys hold heavy pots on their heads so they stay short? No they do not. Therefore, being short is a "naturally occuring factor" that gives them an advantage in horseracing.

This is what I mean by "natural"; working out, practicing, developing skills and abilities are not naturally occuring, they require work.

Therefore, Basketball and Horse Racing give an advantage to certain naturally occuring body types, those who are tall and short, respectively. In my opinion, this is a flaw in the design of those sports because they reward a factor that is beyond a trainable skill or the scope of athletic development.

Would you share your "scientific studies" with us? I would love to take a look at the research source...

Last night I kicked it at BW3s with ump-teen Blue Moons and some Spicy Garlic Chicken wings while watching the Red Wings trounce the Blue Jackets (I was particularly fond of the goal off the back of the Blue Jacket Goalie's head from behind the goal!)....it was fantastic!

Oh, and yes...."3 periods" and only in Hockey can you love a bloody period and get called for "high sticking" at the same time!

By Don the "Head Chimp", at 4:21 PM
To play Devil's advocate here, Spud Web is one of the best "Ballers" to play the game. He was able to overcome the disadvantage of being short (well 5'6"). Shaq being one of the biggest isn't nessicarily the best (check his free throw %). But still I'll take Hockey any day of the week.

By Anonymous, at 5:06 PM
Being "tall" obviously isn't the only thing you need to be a good Basketball player, but then again, it is a natural advantage that all one needs to do is possess, not develop.

By Don the "Head Chimp", at 5:34 PM
Ultimate Sport = competitive nude felmale wrestling. In the event that this is not a sport yet I think we should all get working on it.

By D a n i e l, at 11:00 PM
Whoa, if you were to make sex a sport then there would be certain natural advantages that one could posses that apparently I do not. Kind of like being tall, but rather, long.

By Anonymous, at 9:56 AM
Sex-Duro

I would say "Sex" could be an acceptable Ultimate Sport if there were established rules, competitions, and a way to win.

Are we going for endurance? challenge? Are there rules? Team or Individual sport? artistic expression? So many things to consider....I would say that the porn industry may already have some pre-existing athletes...

By Don the "Head Chimp", at 12:24 PM
Moose here - a day late...

"This is what I mean by "natural"; working out, practicing, developing skills and abilities are not naturally occuring, they require work.

Therefore, Basketball and Horse Racing give an advantage to certain naturally occuring body types, those who are tall and short, respectively. In my opinion, this is a flaw in the design of those sports because they reward a factor that is beyond a trainable skill or the scope of athletic development."

Don, good example of over anaylizing something that can't be catorgorized into a tidy little file folder. How many tall dudes have you seen that don't play professional basketball, let alone any sport? Give me a team of five-footers who can half way play and line them up with a team of average athletic six footers and you'll see that size is not an advantage or an advantage from a factor that is beyond a trainable skill or the scope of athletic development.

What happened in basketball was that somewhere around George Mika's time in the NBA, they found a few tall dudes who were coordinated. One by one, each team found the need to find a tall goon to guard the good tall ones.

I suspect the same for hockey. A team of incredibly athletic little dudes could kick ass against a team of big goons. They may get the crap beat out of them, but i would bet in such an absolute environment, the results would be the same as I mentioned previously.

My point being, this "sport" is way to broad and complex for even a guy who "analyzes jobs and their incumbents for a living" to define in a tidy fasion. Following Webster's definition, it's a fairly broad scope.

I will admit that hockey is demanding on a lot of levels, and given your definition, just might be the ultimate sport. However, it was your definition and your answer. Perhaps you subconciously wrote the definition around the answer?

By Anonymous, at 12:25 PM
Moose Let Loose

A) Originally I posed the question of "What do you feel is the Ultimate Sport?", positing that I believe "Hockey" is said Ultimate Sport.

Chicken Little threw his hands up in the air claiming that one must define "sport" in order to determine what would fall into the category; thus requesting a more detailed analysis; this is a legitimate point, so I entertained the idea by providing a running definition and parameters based upon both an objective source of information (dictionary.com) as well as more detailed specifications within that definition.

B) My definition is by no means absolute, but encompasses the nature and degree of physical abilities persons involved in what we conceptualize in general as "sport" may possess. My definition addresses the nature of the sport itself beyond that of the persons playing. Contextually, one would need to establish levels of difficulty or value in order to determine an "Ultimate" sport; that is open to debate.

C) If you have something better to add to the definition, would like to discuss the value or worth of different aspects of each of the defined variables, or another suggestion, by all means I'd love to hear it.

However, so far all you've said is that it is too difficult for you to forumulate an opinion of the ultimate sport because it's impossible to define the criteria of a sport, so therefore it is unanswerable.

I believe it may be difficult to define the criteria of sport and that capturing every little nuance and accounting for every little linguistic parameter may be near impossible. However, show me a definition or science that is absolute without error? Perhaps this is your misconception to the true nature of things and the process and purpose of logical analysis. Nothing is absolute! But we make due and use a logical process to gain knowledge and understanding.

D) Regardless, however difficult the task of defining "sport", I executed the task at your request and it is the definition that we have at current moment since no one else has offered any alternative or modification.

E) It is far easier to criticize than to actually posit a legitimate arguement or constructive suggestion, and since you have done neither, let's just call it what it is: You don't believe in an Ultimate Sport because you feel that sport can not be defined adequately enough to your standards.

Since, "What do you feel is the Ultimate Sport?" is the original topic, your response simply is that you feel that there isn't one; of course without giving anything that remotely resembles a logical arguement to support your proposition that "defining the criteria of sport is impossible".

By Don the "Head Chimp", at 2:53 PM
This was fun, lets do it again!

By Anonymous, at 4:23 PM
Nothing Personal

I agree... this got my nipples hard!

Seriously, we're just having a fun little debate; "intellectual masturbation" if you will....

Tommorrow will be another topic, but of course that's not to say yall can't go back and still comment on old topics.

(I'm still thinking about developing a league for "competitive nude female wrestling" or "sex"... I'll let you know what I come up with!)

By Don the "Head Chimp", at 4:30 PM
The simple fact that you didn't spell, "i'll let you know what I come up with!", using a "u" in the word come says that you are not the right man for the job!

By Anonymous, at 5:25 PM
I have heard that some vodka is Absolut, Don. ;o)

By Anonymous, at 5:54 PM
Touche!

I'll try to beat my head against the wall to see if I cum up with anything other than a visit to the emergency room and a funny limp...

Les: Not after I get a hold of that bottle...because then there may be absolutely nothing left of that absolut!

By Don the "Head Chimp", at 6:11 PM
"your misconception to the true nature of things and the process and purpose of logical analysis"

wow Chimp ass, that's pretty personal. Glad you are omnipitent and looking out for us all. I'll sleep better tonight knowing that my good buddy, has my back and will tutor me as to understanding the true nature of things.

Moose.

By Anonymous, at 10:27 AM
Let us not miss the point...

By Don the "Head Chimp", at 10:32 AM

The Cubicle Chronicles

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The Ultimate Sport!

24 Comments:

The Cubicle Chronicles

About Me

Recent Topics